Driven to drink at the Cova

Perusing the detailed Seapass billing statement in my hand, here is a partial tally of my alcohol consumption onboard the Celebrity Mercury.

6 Alaskan Ambers (sweet specialty beer from Alaska)
4 Blue Moons (a cocktail with curacao and I forgot what else)
3 Mojitos
3 Carlsbergs
2 Mexican coffees (coffee with Frangelico and Kahlua, I think)
1 Aspen coffee (strong, alcohol-infused coffee)
1 Dos Equis
1 White flight (3 assorted white wines)

That doesn't include the bottles of wine at dinner, extra free glasses from Marlon (pictured, with a Blue Moon in the foreground). Counting drinks for Emma and bartenders' tips, total alcohol expenditure came to about $250. Not bad for 7 nights, eh? :-D

Much of that alcohol was consumed at my nightly hangout Cova Cafe. Probably the most relaxing place on the entire ship, it was usually deserted, and the Vivaldi string quartet played excellent classical music (and even interpretations of Beatles hits) all night. Yeah, a peaceful place to get away from the family and contemplate what a shitty cruise (just kidding. ok, half-kidding) it has been so far.

Another reason I stuck around was the attractive Ukrainian violinist Natasha, the youngest member yet the leader of the quartet. We got to talking during a break between sets and among other interesting facts about her family and performing background, she revealed that she spent two months vacation in Cebu relaxing by the beach. Apparently she made friends among Filipino crew members on her first tour of duty onboard the Mercury last year. Although she'd like to think her English is terrible (and I could her mentally grasping for the right translation), our conversations went smoothly, if somewhat overly punctuated by her favorite catch-all word "kaput" (as in, "If we play bad, we go kaput"). For Ukrainian food newbies, Natasha highly recommends "borsch" soup.

How does $1.67/day sound to you?

If there is one unassailable truth about cruising, it's that it is never the "all-inclusive" vacation some people assume it to be. Not only do passengers shell out extra bucks for alcohol and shore excursions, they basically underwrite the salaries of some of the poorly-paid crew.

Our ship Celebrity Mercury has an astounding 845 crew members from over 50 different countries making sure the guests' vacations go smoothly. I came in contact with a number of waiters, bartenders, beer servers and the like, and was shameless enough to ask about their compensation. Uniform answer: $50/month. NO, that's not a typo.

Essentially, their entire salary is dependent on passengers' tips (YOU pay for it). As indicated in the gratuity form (pictured), the suggested tip for your Head Waiter (at the MAIN dining room) is $3.50/day. Assuming 32 guests (8 guests/table x 4 tables) per Head Waiter, that comes to $112/day and over $3K/month...hmmm, not bad. Most other wait staff get much less though - Assistant Waiters only $2/day, and Assistant Chief Housekeeper a pitiful $0.75/day. Mind you, these are the cruise line's SUGGESTED tip amounts - you can follow or ignore them, give more or less (don't stiff them, please) as you wish.

For other positions that don't appear on the gratuity form, such as beer server, the pressure to hustle is greater. A 15% service charge is tacked on every alcoholic beverage order, so for each Alaskan Amber beer ($5) the server gets 2/3 ($0.50) and the bartender 1/3 ($0.25) of the $0.75 service charge. That's a lot of alcohol to sell to make a decent amount every day. No wonder they're always at your elbow asking if you want to order beer, cocktails, etc.

Having said all that, competition for these service jobs is intense - the pay is simply much more than what they would earn doing the same job in their home countries. In short, they put up with the 12-hour days, cramped living quarters, and being away from family and loved ones for the economic benefits. Depending on how you look at it, the situation isn't as bleak as the title implied.

There are also numerous fixed salary positions onboard, e.g. engineers, cooks, entertainment staff, if you're curious enough about their salaries check out Cruise Ship Jobs