The City that Always Sleeps

I cried out in pain as I stumbled on the bed. My entire back had turned a crisp red, sunburnt after four hours spent in the water off Alona Beach. After yesterday's hectic sightseeing, Nick and I decided to chill out today and spent most of the day lounging around Alona Beach, the most popular stretch of sand on Panglao Island and a mere five minute walk from our digs. Alona beach boasted fine white sand, but it wasn't as long nor wide as White Beach in Boracay, as I had hoped. The water was crystal clear and inviting, and we both waded in without giving any thought to SPF protection, stupidly as it turned out.

After spending the afternoon trying to recover, Landel came to pick us up for a night on the town. Quite a laughable statement in itself given Tagbilaran City's reputation for being staid. Things aren't exactly rocking here. The lady at reception mentioned some bands playing by the downtown waterfront which seemed promising. We got there a bit early though and the sound equipment guys were just setting up, so we dropped by Bohol Tropics resort for dinner. This resort is the poshest in downtown, and its amenities include two huge swimming pools, and a three-story restaurant. As we appoached the latter, an enthusiastic karaoke session appeared to be taking place, the singing overpowering any other sound in the immediate vicinity. We went up to the top most floor (a debutante's ball and college reunion were being held at the first two floors) where the singing came from and discovered that the singers were in fact paid entertainers, and not overly eager karaoke amateurs.

With numerous huge groups occupying the other tables, our waiter indicated that the food would take a while to arrive, thus there was nothing else to do but drink more San Miguel Lite beer while concentrating on the entertainment. The duo's repertoire consisted mostly of sappy ballads (think Michael Bolton), golden oldies ("My Way"), mixed in with the occasional '80s hit. In fact, their rendition of the Police's "Every Breath You Take" wasn't too bad at all. As is customary, they were open to taking requests. Minutes later, they announced to all that an audience member had requested "Every Breath You Take", and that they were singing it again, despite having just done so twenty minutes earlier. Collectively our jaws dropped and we were like, "What the hell?!". Nick decided to join the requests game, and wrote down "Kiss" by Tom Jones (remade by Prince aka The Artist formerly known as Prince) on a napkin, ignoring the fact that this song was well outside their genre. True enough, they never got around to it.

Not to be denied, Nick took another napkin and polled me and Landel for suggestions. Always the logical thinker I said, "Given the type of songs they've performed so far, I suggest something by Air Supply. You know, like 'Lost in Love', for example". He replied, "Don't they have a song called 'All Out of Love' or something like that?". Landel assented, so he wrote that down, while I restrained myself from commenting about the singer's vocal range being several octaves lower than Russell Hitchcock's. Or maybe I just found the song overly sentimental and cheesy (aren't all Air Supply songs like that though?). I had a eureka moment and excitedly said, "Ok, this one I bet they'll do - 'More Than Words'! (by the rock band Extreme)". Both Nick and Landel nodded in agreement so that made the list as well. To seal the deal, he stuck a Php100 (US$2.50) bill to the napkin and gave it to a passing waiter who, perhaps unaccustomed to finding money stuck between napkins, promptly dropped the bank note on the floor. Roaring with laughter, we called him back, and after the note had been passed to the entertainers, without their usual intro ("This song is dedicated to everyone here tonight"), the opening strains of "All Out of Love" were heard (pause to vomit). And once they finished that, a quick cut-over to "More than Words".

"Wow, this is really cool. And, financial incentives DO matter", I chuckled to myself. Just then, as the song was winding down and the lead singer tried valiantly to hit the high notes of the chorus, suddenly the lights went out and darkness engulfed the restaurant. Stunned silence all around, except for our table - three guys doubled over laughing uncontrollably. A sure sign it's time to call it a night.

P.S. Isn't the plural of "seafood" also "seafood"???

An Experiment Gone Wrong and Mammary Glands Galore

"Oh, he's so cute!!!", exclaimed the white female tourist behind me, and I turned around to find out the object of her affection (I thought it was me, as usual. LOL). There she was, her face inches away from one of the weirdest-looking creatures on this planet, cooing at the Philippine tarsier as one would to a baby, perhaps coaxing it to pose for a picture. I could think of a few adjectives to describe these tiny (4 -6 inches) animals, but "cute" would be one of them. To me they appear to be a product of "cross-engineering genes gone wrong" between species of monkeys and mice, or simply put, a little like that extraterrestrial who wants to phone home. These tarsiers are on exhibit in numerous cages (illegally run, as it turns out) behind many stores on the banks of the Loboc river. You just drive up and there they are, along with lots of tourists staring intently at their brown fur and huge (make that HUGE) eyes. Some tourists can be real dummies, and despite the caretakers' constant pleas not to do so, they insist on touching these nocturnal creatures and using flash photography.

According to the Lonely Planet guidebook, these primates can leap up to five meters; not sure if they bite, but I'm sure they're eager for some payback to tourists who stick their cameras too close and shoot away, flash and all. Everybody needs their beauty sleep undisturbed, imho. Other caged animals present include monkeys, whom the caretakers will take out of their cages and place on your arm for the perfect touristy photo op, for an additional bribe...ahem, fee, of course. Illogical as it would seem, my fear that the monkeys would use my arm as a toilet led me to decline, and I was content to observe them within their own personal confines. Took all of two minutes and then I got bored, so went over to the huge tarsier cardboard cut-out. Call it cheesy, but that's what I call a great photo op :-D. Oh yeah, the illegal part mentioned earlier. I had wondered how these shops were able to lay their hands on the endangered tarsiers, and although I don't have the answer to that, they are in fact illegal and if you've ever in Bohol, do the tarsiers a favor and reserve your viewing for the Tarsier Visitors Center run by the Philippine Tarsier Foundation.

Our quest for more flora and fauna led us to the Chocolate Hills, a tourism marketing director's dream. Along with the tarsier, these hills have become ubiquitous icons gracing the tourism brochures of Bohol and are one of the premier attractions in the country. Seemingly ordinary-looking and unnoticeable from the street level, a drive up the hills and then a steep climb up to the topmost viewing platform of the Chocolate Hills complex (built atop one of the hills! Brilliant!) reveals a spectacular, breath taking view of these massive lumps ranging in size from 40 - 120 meters, some of them roundish and others more pointy. Trying to count how many hills there are (as I tried) is an exercise in futility, for they can be seen as far as the eye can see (official sources indicate there are 1,268 hills in total).

There are many theories on how these hills were formed, but I won't bore you with those (Google is your friend). But let's debunk one nasty rumor that has circulated right now: The Chocolate Hills are not fake (all naturally perky, baby), were not created by ingenious tourism officials for your viewing pleasure (although I see clones in a Vegas-like setting happening soon). This is not Stonehenge, people. (Snarky comment). So now, I bet the burning question in your mind is, "Why are they called Chocolate Hills when they are, in fact, green in color?". Dude, the grass only turns brown in the dry season, so you have to stretch our imagination, as we did. Now that would be an even more glorious sight, and something to look forward to on a return visit, perhaps?

The Bridge to Nowhere and The Leaning Tower of Loboc

One of the things I noticed was the newly-constructed bridge connecting both sides of the Loboc river. It initially seems to be a rather ordinary bridge, one of numerous projects by the government's public works and highways department, but if you look closely at the picture, you'll see that the bridge ends just right above where the brightly-colored jeepney is and basically leads nowhere. The building in front of it is San Pedro Church (built in 1608, rebuilt in 1670 after being destroyed by fire and survivor of many floods), which adjoins the Museo de Loboc. Would the church need to be demolished? No one seems to know why the bridge was built in the first place, nor if and when it will be finished. For now, automobiles crossing over the Loboc river still use the existing rickety bailey bridge, and the new white elephant of a bridge serves no purpose other than giving locals a venue for their evening stroll. Just another example of money wasted and possibly stolen in this country of hours. Ah, but we're used to it anyway (shrugs).

As we were getting into the van to make our way out of town, we realized that we were parked right in front of the Museo de Loboc, so might as well check it out. Judging from outward appearances, I didn't expect much from a museum housed in such a crumbling, unprepocessing stone building whose sole decorations are Christmas lanterns. After paying the Php15 (US$0.40) entrance fee, a guide (the only one, in fact) presented himself to show us around the three-story building. The most interesting exhibits are on the ground floor relating to the town's religious musical traditions and history; not for nothing is Loboc the "music capital of Bohol". They are also rightfully proud of the Loboc Children's Choir, which in 2003 represented the country in an international folksongs festival in Barcelona and promptly bagged the gold medal in the Children/Youth category, and were awarded the Festival Cup for garnering the highest point average (a nerdy 97.5!). So in short, they kicked other countries' behinds big time.

The rest of the museum consisted of a room containing statues of saints used in various religious processions, and a big open area where the choir practices. The guide led us out onto the balcony of the third floor, and pointed to the church bell tower (which for some reason is across the street from the church itself). "Notice that the tower is leaning?", he asked. I squinted really hard and yes, it appeared to, ever so slightly. "It's from all the pile driving when they started constructing this damn bridge", he continued. So there, it appears we have a local counterpart to the leaning tower of Pisa, our homegrown Very Slightly Leaning Tower of Loboc. (Click on the picture to enlarge, and judge for yourself). Also notice the two men who have made the bridge their personal playground.

Slow boat on the river Loboc

Just when I thought Philippine Airlines (PAL) had shaken off its unofficial moniker, "Plane Always Late", well whaddaya know? Nick and I arrive at the airport quite early only to find that our flight to Tagbilaran City was delayed by an hour. The check-in staff didn't even mention anything about it (nor did he ask for identification), we only found out when we got to the gate and saw a handwritten note taped over the counter. The brief flight ended on an auspicious note when our pilot landed the aircraft at full-speed and applied the brakes furiously, causing us to be thrown forward in the cabin. One of the passengers, apparently also in the aviation field, noted that this was the proper way to land a jet on a short runway. Say that again?! Now I know why they insist on passengers wearing seatbelts during takeoffs and landings.

After our driver/guide/gofer Landel picked us up, we drove to the town of Loboc to experience their famous lunch cruise on the town's eponymous river. Essentially it's an 1 1/2 hour Filipino lunch buffet on river boats, aka floating restaurants, with some entertainment and sightseeing along the way. A long line greeted us at the makeshift tents where you purchase the vouchers (Php280:US$7) and are assigned seats on a specific riverboat, exacerbated by the seeming inability of Filipinos to form a single queue to keep things orderly. Nor did any official staff try to impose any sort of discipline on queue-jumpers. Trust me, queueing is not the greatest strength of Filipinos (Karaoke probably is). So Landel got stuck in line for about thirty minutes, while I contented myself with whetting my appetite by looking at enticing pictures of various native dishes prominently displayed by the tents. "This is gonna be some buffet", I even muttered to myself.

Vouchers in hand and growing hungrier by the second, the three of us excitedly rushed to the dock for...more waiting. Our riverboat was still in the process of ferrying the previous batch of tourists, and there was no word on when our turn would come. In the meantime, we watched other people stuffing their faces on meat and seafood dishes inside the boats docked nearby. I counted at least fifteen different floating restaurants, each one varying in capacity from 30 to 60. Just when I was becoming delirious from hunger, our names were called and before you knew it, we were sharing a long table with a family of four, who looked equally impatient at getting their hands on some grub.

At long last, the dishes were set up on the buffet table (a disappointment in terms of both quantity and quality), and everyone proceeded to line up, plate in hand. I use the term "line up" loosely, as in the best Filipino tradition, all hell broke loose. On one side people furiously scooped as much meat onto their plates while ignoring the stares and mumbling of other diners unfortunately situated behind them, some were pushing their way forward to get the last remnants of baby shrimp which the first five people had apparently claimed the majority of, and most alarming, some folks decided that they couldn't be bothered to stand in line and thus created their own queue at the other end of the buffet table (where the desserts are located), and their counter-flow of traffic now collided with ours with the force of a ten-wheeler truck.

Somehow I managed to get out alive, albeit missing out on the chicken and getting mostly glistening fatty pieces of pork, and made my way back to our seats. Surprised at the sight of diners at the adjoining table feasting on pork barbeque on stick, I rushed back to the buffet but couldn't find traces of the dish. Totally bummed, I sat down and decided to make do with whatever I had, at the same time wondering where the hell Nick had gone to. My question was answered two seconds later, as I turned my head and saw him coming towards us clutching ten (ten!!!) sticks of pork barbeque, the look on his face indicating his intent to impale anyone who tried to grab them away. To this day, I haven't bothered to find out how or where he hijacked them from, but those sweet BBQ truly saved the day.

I should note that the rest of the lunch cruise went by pleasantly. The riverboat slowly wound its way up the Loboc river until it reached a series of mini-waterfalls (emphasis on "mini"). Ideal photo op for camera-crazy Filipinos, to say the least. At this point, the boat turned around and on the way back, we also stopped a hut on a wooden raft where forty or so entertainers sang several native songs, accompanied by some guitar-playing and enthusiastic dancing from small kids. I actually liked the choreography, and wondered if they're being groomed to join those dance contests on TV programs. All part of the Loboc river cruise experience. An interesting, enjoyable, and mildly chaotic start to our visit to Bohol.